tell your sister to shave her snatch
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
