i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
