On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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