I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
