No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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