i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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