dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize