Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
