Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
