Swine flu. Run for my life!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
