If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
