sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize