Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
