he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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