I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
