he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize