I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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