I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
