Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
