You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
