The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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