i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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