I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
