i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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