I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
