GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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