i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
