respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
