All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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