smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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