Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
