when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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