Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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