Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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