I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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