I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was like getting head from an anaconda
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
