Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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