I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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