I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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