you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
