You're completely useless in the revolution.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
