My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
