Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
