Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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