Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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