It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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