Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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