i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
