ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
