i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
