life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
