I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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