Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
