Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
