Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
