No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
