Swine flu is the new snow day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
