can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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