Your mouth is God's brothel.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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