Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
