T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
