Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
